A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I feel really sick." The doctor asked, "What's your problem?" The man replied, "I have a terrible headache, my throat hurts, my nose is stuffy, and I can't stop coughing." The doctor said, "I see. You need to stop masturbating." The man was surprised and asked, "How will that help?" The doctor replied, "It won't help, but it will keep your hands busy so you won't be bothering me."
2. The talking dog
A man walks into a bar with his dog and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer and my dog will have a water." The bartender is amazed when the dog says, "I don't want water, I want a beer." The bartender asks the man, "Did you teach your dog to talk?" The man replies, "No, he taught himself. He's a smart dog." The bartender asks, "What else can he do?" The man replies, "Well, he can play poker better than most people."
3. The forgetful husbandA husband and wife were sitting in their living room watching TV when the wife said, "Honey, can you go get me some ice cream?" The husband replied, "Sure, what flavor?" The wife said, "Chocolate." The husband got up and left the room. Ten minutes later, he returned with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife looked at him and said, "What's this?" The husband replied, "I forgot the toast."
4. The bad driverA police officer pulls over a man who was driving erratically. The officer asks, "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?" The man replies, "No, officer. Was I speeding?" The officer says, "No, but you were swerving all over the road." The man says, "Oh, I'm sorry. I was trying to hit all the potholes before they hit me."
5. The blonde and the mirrorA blonde walks into a department store and sees a mirror. She looks into it and says, "I know that face. I've seen it somewhere before." She keeps looking at the mirror and says, "I know that face. I've seen it somewhere before." Finally, the salesperson comes over and asks, "Can I help you?" The blonde says, "Yes, can you tell me where I've seen this face before?"